there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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