I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
