You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
