I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
