I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
