I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
