I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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