the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
