someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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