our cab driver is having phone sex.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
