I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
