I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
