We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Oh god it's open bar.
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