I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
