ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
