Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So squirting runs in the family.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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