I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
