I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
