My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
