You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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