i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
