i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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