I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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