my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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