the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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