Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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