Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
