Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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