I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
