Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
