I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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