I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
