I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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