yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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