You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
