I haven't been this sober since birth.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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