she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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