I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
