I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
