it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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