I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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