How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
