I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
