I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
