found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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