people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
