Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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