I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
