erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dignity is for republicans.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
