so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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