I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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